Why I Cry After I Workout

I can’t look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower.  I avoid the reflection, telling myself that should I accidentally look, there’s another woman in here with me.  Surely, this is not me.  I have to call for my daughter to help me put my new sports bra on.  I am too fat to maneuver it by myself.  I don’t look her in the eye, I am ashamed.  My breathing is elevated, my heart rate’s up, I’m already starting to sweat, and I have to sit on the toilet to get my pants on because I can’t bend over far enough.  When did I do this to myself?  Just getting dressed is an effort.  Who am I kidding, putting on these dumb work out clothes.  As if it’s worth anything at all at this point.  I think I am too far gone.

I sit in front of the building that holds a large sign reading, “Empowering Fitness.”  Empower my ass, I think.  I sit there.  I don’t know if I have the courage to go in.  I am so fat.  What if I can’t do it?  What if they all stare?  What if I make a fool out of myself?  I catch my eyes in the reflection of my rear view mirror, and I see how afraid I am.  I grab onto the fear, as if it has power, and suddenly from a place deep within me I get angry.   I get really angry.  Angry at myself, angry at my husband for deploying again, angry at my kids for growing up and leaving, angry at my past hurts, and angry that I have somehow allowed myself to get up to an enormous 250 pounds.
I grit my teeth, “I will NOT be afraid,” I tell myself in the car before I watch my hand going to the door handle, pulling, and opening the door.  My feet are pounding on the gravel leading up to the door, as if I have to be a force of rage just to put myself in that place.
weights
They start jogging as a warm up.  A warm up.  I can’t jog!  I fall in line and give it my best, even though I’m not as fast as everyone else and it hurts so bad that I’m screaming inside, getting dizzy, and want to puke.  I can’t do a damn plank, or a burpie, or a power squat, or Jesus, anything.  What am I going to do?  I grit my teeth again and tell myself, “You’re just going to do what you can.”

 

Then, it was over.  Just when I couldn’t make one more move, the workout ended.  The class all applauded, high fives were handed out, and several people told me, “Good job.”  From the pit of my stomach grew a sob … I had to get out of there quick, I was going to explode.  From the inside of my car I cried and I cried and I cried, it spilled out of me like a pressure cooker whose hole had been covered for a few hours.  An explosion of emotion.
I’d done it.  I’d gone in, I’d worked out, and I’d faced my fears.  Why was I crying?
Day two, three, four ….. all the way through the first two weeks I go through the same routine.  I have to work myself up to go in, and I have to bring myself down when I come out.  It is an emotional roller coaster that I’m not sure I can afford to be on but I’m riding it out none the less.
My whole body aches.  I don’t think I’ve lost any weight, but I’m too afraid to see the number on the scale and face what it means and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter as much the number but how I feel.  Damn, I feel great.  I feel accomplished.  I feel proud.
And I cry.  I cry it out because I need to release the pain I’ve put on myself so that I can make room for the beauty that is me.
I am worthy.   Despite being weighed down by these physical pounds, I can see now that all I needed was to believe in myself.  So I did.
I step out of the shower and smile.
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Preparing for Day 1 Arbonne Cleanse!

For about 39 years I never worried about my weight.  In fact, unless I was pregnant or nursing, I didn’t even have to watch what I ate. (what a $(@&* …. I know.)  I was a comfortable size 6 at about 5 foot 6 inches.  I always felt sorry for overweight people.  I felt sorry for women who were losing their hair.  I would be comforting and say, “No, you’re fabulous!” But inside I was feeling, “Please God, don’t let that happen to me.”  Truth.  Ugly, but true.

I didn’t want to get “old” – not that at 41 I am but let me just say ladies …. at 40 the tides become to come in and they just aren’t soft and subtle.

So here I sat, a 41 year old who suddenly weighed 234 pounds YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT.  I went from a nice steady 140 to 234 pounds …..and had lost some height and stood at 5 foot 5 inches. I’d lost so much hair that from any direction you can see how white my ugly scalp is.  I was miserable.  What happened to me?  Life I suppose.  My medications for anxiety and depression had some to do with it (Weight gain side effects are for the birds, and my husbands 4th tour overseas with the military didn’t help).  But then, I quit smoking on top of everything.  I was a smoker, yes.  For 28 years.  Two packs a day.  Until Pneumonia nearly killed me about 8 months ago.  So instead, I ate.  Ugh.

Skinny girl in a fat body.  I mean, for those of you that have known me through the years thank you, thank you, thank you for not mentioning WTH has happened to me!  I sware to you ….. just last week I was walking by a mirror in a department store and I thought, “Oh, gosh, that poor girl.”  Holy crap.  That girl was me.  ME.  The girl who can’t get up the stairs without stopping to take a break.  My ankles feel like they’re breaking, I eat fifteen tums a day, and my bowels?  Oh TMI.

So …. when my co-worker started feeling healthy and losing weight on a cleanse of course I wanted to hear about it.  Then, I learned it was an MLM.  The Arbonne Cleanse. Ugh.  Not my first rodeo here folks.  Been there, done that.  However, she was so excited about her own success I couldn’t help get excited with her.  I don’t have to sell it, just use it, right?

My husband was leaving for two months for Leadership training with the military and I knew, if I was going to make a move on my health and weight …. now was the time!  How fun to surprise him!  Hmmmm …. how to really stabefore-fronty motivated?  My son!  I have a 21 year old son in the military also who happens to be living at home right now (no pressure from me to move in whilst dad is gone. lol), and I wanted to see if we could do the cleanse together.  Mama and son.  He was in.  Not just in.  He was helping me afford it.  *insert tears.

We met Heather on a Thursday night in her new home, she was literally just moving in.  She was friendly, open, warm and inviting.  She also had a military background.  She explained the product, let us try some stuff, and then stepped back.

I told her and my co-worker we would think about it.  But, we were in.

Hence the food prepping tonight and the preparations to start this 30 day journey.  Here, you’ll find my “Before” picture.

 

before side.jpg

Here were my top 3 requests:

1.)  It’s gotta be easy.

2.)  It’s gotta be easy.

3.)  It’s gotta be easy.

Then, I learned I have to give up coffee AND martini’s.  Holy smokes.   So, tonight, I’m getting ready to dig in tomorrow.  My meal prep’s are all done for the next few days and I’m about to embark on a new journey for 30 days to change my eating habits and begin to develop a healthy lifestyle.  Please, don’t ask questions tonight ……. I’ve got a full martini and I’m enjoying the living heck out of it!  🙂  Love you all and I’ll keep you posted!

If you’ve done the Arbonne http://www.arbonne.com/pws/homeoffice/tabs/home.aspxcleanse, let me hear about it!

 

 

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