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There are fabulous friendships to be had, but we tend to let the lies we tell ourselves get in the way of deeper and more fulfilling friendships. Are any of these 3 common lies getting in the way of you and your friend?
Whether she has made a new friend, gotten a promotion, or lost ten pounds – stop telling yourself that she’s better than you. As we feel our friends move forward, sometimes we may feel left behind a little. The lie, that you are feeling you have to compete, will steal your opportunity to jump on the band wagon with your friend and better yourself in your own ways! Allow her positive change to motivate and empower you rather than to isolate and become envious. You’re only feeling like she’s better than you because YOU are feeling that you’re not at YOUR best. Ignite your OWN truth and dig deep with your talents and gifts and share these things with your friend to encourage and foster an empowering friendship!
Each of us has our own way of giving and receiving love and if you’re not in tune with your friend on the ways that she receives and gives love, you’re going to constantly feel like you’re giving your all and getting nothing in return. Here’s the truth: What you’re giving to her may not be what she needs, in fact, what you’re giving to her is your own need. Stop and think about the things that your friend does for you – because what she gives are the things that she would like in return. Start giving those things to her, verses what you want to give, and you’ll see a shift in what she gives back. I’m a talker, but I have a friend who is a gift giver. I had to learn that she receives love by gifts, and once I figured that out and started giving her small treasures and trinkets … she start talking more! Find your friends love language.
A good friend knows you inside and out. You can be the same person with her out in public as you are by yourself behind closed doors. If you can’t be the real you … it’s not a friendship you need to spend a lot of investing in. But before you decide that … I dare you to open up. 9 times out of 10 when I’ve come clean about my Abilify taking, late night cocktail drinking, crying fests and how I still to this day sometimes feel insecure … my friend’s eyes go wide and I heard, “Oh my gosh … you too?” You are valuable and everything about you is unique – if you’re not bringing your full self to the table in your friendship then it’s not a solid friendship. Let go of your fear, stop judging yourself so harshly, and embrace your truth. If she does reject it, you’ve done yourself a favor and gotten out of a one sided relationship!
Turn them around today and Ignite Your Truth! http://www.igniteyourtruth.com
Author. Speaker. Wonder Twin. Bold & Emotionally Charged Words that Speak To the Heart.
1: Be Specific!
Drop the “How are you doing?” and go for the, “Tell me what you’re dealing with right now.” Too weird? Try, “I really value you in my life, and it’s been on my heart to really get to know you better. I know what you’ve been doing, but tell me how you’ve been feeling?” Or, go for the gusto, “Do you ever feel like our friendship could be more than what it is?” Ask specific questions that are on your heart to ask – don’t be afraid to get specific and vulnerable!
As hard as it is to not make it about you or what you’ve gone through or how you can relate, sometimes, we just need to be heard. Listening is an act of love.
Repeat back what you’ve heard to your friend and validate that you’ve really listened to her. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions and let her know how much joy it brings that she trusts you enough to share her heart with you!
Drop the “Well, what can I do to help you?” and go for the, “I’m going to help – we’re going to get through this together.” Offer ideas instead of advice. And then, follow through with affirmation – tell her how strong she is, how beautiful, and that she is more than capable because she has refused to give up! Empower her with your support, and create action in your relationship. Schedule your next get together and follow up with a phone call!
What we receive from our friendships is in direct correlation to what we give. As you move forward in your authenticity to truly love and support, you will soon discover that your friend will gain more trust in you and this in turn will free her to be more of who she is with you. Your value, the gifts and qualities that you bring to the table, will begin to shine and your cup will be overflowing with her ability to give back. Whatever you desire from your friendship …. start by giving it today!
Snow fell into my footsteps as I walked, and when I looked back it was as if I didn’t exist. Like I was just standing, out of nowhere, and there was nothing to prove I’d come this far. My back ached, the only evidence that I’d been walking, and I rubbed my swollen belly. I hoped my baby was not as cold as I felt.
I’d remembered there was a church up in the distance, my saving grace. I didn’t have anywhere else to turn. I was homeless and pregnant at sixteen. Amy, my best friend of three years, had been letting me sleep on her couch but she was in the hospital now. A pot of boiling water, tipping in one painful second, scorching her paralyzed legs – she would have major surgery. I’d had to go.
The Vineyard looked desolate, but as I edged closer I could see a light on inside, up the grand stairs reflecting inside the expanse of windows. The door was open. A rush of warm air held me, and stepping inside I realized I was going to have to ask a stranger for help. I shivered.
The Pastor was kind hearted, offering me warm tea and a chair in his office before asking me, “How can I help you?”
The question was too big for me. There were so many things I needed help with, so many choices that led me to this very moment. I don’t know when I started crying, but the tissue was starting to fall apart in my hand when he gently asked, “Do you have a place to go tonight?”
Nodding my head no, he immediately picked up his telephone and began making phone calls, telling the other person on the phone that there was a young expecting girl without a home tonight. Would someone help?
I’d walked nearly three miles and my feet had swollen up, the tears fell so heavy they couldn’t dry, and my little baby was kicking against my ribs as if to tell me, “Someone will help us.”
Asking for help, in and of itself, requires us to be completely vulnerable – to let loose of our ego, to accept our limitations, and admit that we need. For some of us, this is the most difficult thing to do because we fear that others will think us weak and incapable. We have a tendency to pretend to the outside world that all is well and fine, but on the inside we are weeping and crying out … most of us convince ourselves that if people love us they will come to us, they will see our need, and we don’t have to admit we need them.
This leads to our feeling isolated, uncared for, unloved, and unseen. We internalize not only our own needs, but now – we listen to the lie that if we were really truly loved; someone would have reached out to us.
Ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a movement in courage. It is your standing up in your life, and for yourself, and in that one act of vulnerability … you are changing your life and the lives of those you reach out to. You are creating powerful change.
Who do you reach out to?
Reach out to someone you respect, someone in your life who has a positive influence on you. One of the mistakes we can make when we finally become vulnerable in our need is to try reaching out to someone who really isn’t equipped to help us. Maybe, they are in need so much so too, that they just aren’t able to give you what you need. So, when you think about reaching out, consider someone in your life who has the tools and the resources to really help.
How Do I Ask for Help?
Sometimes, we get ourselves so down and to the point of what seems like no return that our need builds and builds and before we realize it, even thinking to ask for help is impossible because if someone were to say, “How can I help you?” We wouldn’t even know where to begin. One step at a time. Choose your immediate need – sit down and write a list of areas in your life that you are struggling with. What is the main issue you are dealing with? Once you deal with ONE thing … the rest will fall into place. You can even say, “I am so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to begin, but I do know I need help.”
If you’re not ready to walk to a church, call a therapist, or maybe you aren’t even ready to leave the house and put yourself out there … that’s okay. I encourage you to reach out to a life coach. My own life coach, Jen Kelchner, who is a part of Restitution’s Creative Team, is available for online coaching.
In the meantime, if this story spoke to you in any way, please feel free to contact me. We are all in this together. Nothing is ever in vain, and you aren’t alone.