For some of us it’s situational and for others it’s a chemical imbalance. For some it’s triggered by screaming people in our faces, reminding us of childhood abuse and for others it’s the long hot shower turned cold because we can’t fathom how we’re going to finish the day. For some, bi-polar disorder, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Mania ….. showing up to work hoping you can make it until noon so you can drive around the block and sit at the corner and cry it out or hell, not even making it out of bed on a Tuesday. Tuesday’s are hard.
Truth. Depression you DO NOT OWN ME. I will refuse to allow you to take me down. I will get help. I will see my therapist. I will take my medication. I will eat right. I will exercise. I will tell the people I love the most when I am hurting instead of isolating. I will REFUSE, do you hear me now, I will REFUSE TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.
I will write a book about you. How you tried to kill me. And I will save others because if I am here for good …. SO ARE THEY.
Believe. Hard. For whatever reason. Depression ? @*(# ….. WE ARE HERE TO STAY!
Redemption. Coming Soon to Amazon. Follow me at @courtneyfrey on Facebook for details on Friday’s launch!
A little back story ….
James and I have been together for going on 20 years, counting the few years we were separated. In all of that time, he hasn’t been a love letter writing kind of guy. He’s more your military career, nascar watching, bonfire and gun shooting type. He’s a quiet man, who only speaks when he has something very important to say. He’s an exceptional father. A reliable co-worker. A faithful servant to our Country. But, definitely not a love letter writing sort. Through the last 20 years I’ve accepted this about him. Being an author myself and with words being my livelihood this has been difficult. Yet, he has so many wonderful qualities and traits that are far beyond my silly expectations and desires for his writing love letters to me that I’ve come to a place of peace without them.
So, it was quite a shock this afternoon as I was closing out writing my third novel and noticed that I had an additional Word window open. Clicking it, I was transfixed. He’d snuck down to my laptop in the night and written me a letter, knowing I would find it the next day while he was at work.
Here is what he wrote:
“HI, gorgeous most beautiful woman. I hope you have the most amazing time with your friends today garage sale shopping. I have been so impressed with how you have handled yourself the past few weeks.
You make me so happy! you are a kick ass woman and I’m proud to be your man. I know that im not the most wordy guy but hopefully leaving this message will speak to you as to how i feel about you. don’t get me wrong your a pain in my ass but your the kind of pain in my ass that i cant live without.
P.S. do you know how many poisonous spiders their are in the world?”
I know it’s silly and the letter is short and to the point, but it meant the world to me. To be so in love with someone that you go against everything that feels natural to give a gift that you know will bless the other person is selfless love in action. He gave me something more priceless than flowers and jewelry; he gave me his time and his heart. I had to share because as everyone knows, Mother’s Day is coming up. Forego the over-priced cards and sneak her a note. Hand write it or sneak it onto her computer. Bless her with your words.
And for the love of healthy competition, someone please tell me how many poisonous spiders there are! (I can’t find it!) lol
I wasn’t going to share this, but I ran it by a friend of mine today and she encouraged me too …. she said, “This will inspire others to write love letters to the people that they love!” I’ve been leaving james letters in his top drawer for a while now and this was the one i wrote yesterday that he will get tomorrow. 🙂 (Sh, don’t tell him.) 🙂
So I thought maybe she was right …. maybe some of you might be encouraged to put your heart onto paper because it really could make a huge difference. It doesn’t have to be as long as mine is, but something short and sweet. Anything .. a sentence – doesn’t matter. let’s lift our loved one’s up and make sure that they know and are encouraged by what they mean to us.
here is the letter ….
I love him so much that my heart literally skips a beat when I hear the front door open. I dream about him. I miss him when we are apart. I can smell his skin when I’m grocery shopping and get so distracted that I forget what I came for. I wonder if he’s thinking about me, but don’t care if he’ s not and look for ways to surprise him – like hidden letters I write in his bag or under his pillow. I’m like a teenage school girl who can’t get enough of that one single second that he looks into my eyes and whispers that he loves me. I want to hear it a thousand times and with each time it only means more than before.
I love him so much that I worry that I’m not good enough for him. I count the ways I have blessed him in a single day and wonder if it was enough to show him how much he means to me. I hold him too close, kiss him too long, and talk until there’s nothing left to say only to hear his voice.
I work on the woman that I am because I know he deserves the best of me all the time. To mirror his excellence in integrity, attitude, ethic and confidence – a daily reminder that this is the man that I get to come home to at the end of my day. And I want to equal the measure of a man that he is in the woman that I strive to become because of him.
He is not just the father of my children, the man who they can count on to be strong and wise and loving and gentle yet firm – but he is the caretaker of a family who could not live without him. The burden he carries is large and yet his shoulders are capable and his heart fully worthy of the task. His life is the example of hard work, trust, God fearing prayer, and most of all … the training and the love he received from his loving parents. The example he is surpasses anything I’ve ever known and I fall un-worthy at his feet with gratitude for the love he sacrifices to give.
After eighteen years with the same man I feel as if it is that first moment. When his eye catches mine and the goosebumps prickle up and I wonder …. does he really like me?
Nearly everything I’ve learned in the last eighteen years of my life I have learned from just one man. The power of unconditional love, the victory of sacrifice, the moral of a good heart, and the joy of simplicity in being someone others can count on. I admire him. I adore him. I’ve fallen in love with him every day for the past two years.
And I can’t wait for tomorrow.
So I can tell you, James. All over again. I love you. I love you more every time I blink. Every time I move. Every time I think about all that I am and all that I have … because of you.