When Amy was alive she always told me, “Be fearlessly you!” She was a woman who lived by her words and yet for all the years she told me this, I never grasped it. I lived constantly in my own self doubt. The shadows of all my mistakes and shortcomings over-rode any light I thought I might possibly have buried deep down somewhere. No matter what I tried to do, whether in career or relationships, it seemed like I was a vacuum sucking people dry because I hungered so much for validation. I never stood independent of how I thought others thought of me. So how could I change that? What could I do differently this year?
What could I do so that when I looked into my children’s faces I didn’t see all my regret that I could have done it better before they left home? What could I possibly change to see my husband take a sigh of relief that he no longer carried all my pain or purpose? My friendships, how could I operate in love in such a way that did not demand reciprocity? How could I possibly be independently fearless and stand in my truth that while I’m far from perfect, I’m a beautiful being with something to offer?
I think we all struggle with this at one time or other in our lives. We look around at those closest to us, those we’ve lost through filters through the years, and those we hope to become closer to in the future and we wonder … do I have what it takes? Am I good enough? Do I have value?
Fear. Fear of being wanted, loved, and liked. Fear of loss, fear of gain. Fear of failure and success. We become stagnant in our doubts, almost sometimes to the point of being frozen in it. We stop going out, we are isolated with work and friends. We shy away from socialization. Then the voices really start up, man, they can be harsh. See? I told you, no one cares. See? I told you, no one notices you.
How do we overcome that kind of fear? I went to my bedside one day and knelt, shaking, on my bedroom floor and I prayed, “Lord, my precious Father, you did not have this in mind when you created me, did you? With Amy gone now, I feel lost to courage and bravery. I feel lost to me. Help me to see myself as someone who can love as you love. Change my heart. Mature me. Please, give me opportunities to shower my world with faith and friendship and love and laughter and not do so with a selfish heart. Train me up to stand in the gap for those I love, rather than whine about being the gap myself. Let me be the light.”
After I was done praying I heard the word, “Act.” Then, from Scripture, “Do not be afraid.” In my mind I could hear the trumpets of Jericho. Bring the wall down. The wall of insecurity, fear, and doubt. Shake it to its core so it has no hold over you.
I heard Amy, “Be Fearlessly You!”
I’m determined that this will be a year of letting go of fear and falling fearlessly in love with my life, my family, friends, and the path I am so blessed to be able to be on.
I pray, for all who read this and can relate, that you have the courage to stand on your knees, be humble to God, and become an action person verses a reactive person! This is going to be a great year.