Home » Uncategorized » From Baby Shower to Graduation Party … Learning to Be a Mom

From Baby Shower to Graduation Party … Learning to Be a Mom

Stressed out, no sleep, tired and hormonal and if I have to tell just one more person just one more time to hand over my own baby I’m going to scream.  Yes, I want everyone to know how wonderful and amazing my newborn baby is and that I’ve just become a mother …. but all the planning in the world could NEVER have prepared me for what I really want in this exact single moment; time.  Time to stop and listen to him breathing against my chest in the dusk of evening when the house goes still and it’s just him and I.  Time to remember the nine months that I waited for him, and how completely grateful I am for his being here.  I just want everyone else to let me have these precious seconds that I’ll never get back.  The feeding, the crying, the first time I changed his diaper, the panic attack I had when he screamed when the alcohol wipe was too cold, his sleeping in my arms.  All the planning in the world could never have prepared me for this, this time I have to absorb the gift that I’ve been given.  The baby shower cake half-eaten and the decorations that I don’t remember, the stale chips left out on the counter and the faces of so many people I TRULY do care about but I’m just so tired from it all that I don’t remember …. glimmer’s of moments that pass through me into the real awareness of what it’s all for in the first place; my baby boy.  He’s so perfect.  He’s mine.  All mine.  Thank you God.

Stressed out, no sleep, tired and hormonal and if I have to tell one more person that I’m not crazy –  I’m just in graduation party planning mode I’m going to scream!  Yes, I want everyone to know how wonderful and amazing my 18 year old son is and that I’m his mother …. but all the planning in the world can NEVER have prepared me for what I really want in this exact single moment; time.  Time to stop and listen to him in all the years past in every moment that he needed me.  Time to remember the eighteen years that I took for granted in raising him, and how completely grateful I am for his being here.  I just want to have those precious moments back.  The feeding, the crying, the first steps, the first day at school, the first bike ride, the first girlfriend, the first real advice I gave … every mistake I made; unturned.  All the planning in the world could never have prepared me for this, this time I have now to absorb that the gift I’ve been given is leaving soon.  The graduation cake, the decorations, the centerpieces, the photo boards and all the people I TRULY care about but I’m just so afraid of letting go now … glimmer’s of moments that pass through me into the real awareness of what it’s all for in the first place; my son.  He’s so perfect.  He’s not just mine anymore.  I have to share him.  With the world.  Thank you God.  For the time I had.  For what lies ahead, and for the next party I’ll plan that he won’t care what color theme, what cake, or how the decorations were put up … but that he had them.  And he was the star.  And I got to be his mother in the important in-between of the candles being blown out.

mother-and-child-holding-hands1

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