A Letter To My Daughter Before She Becomes a Mom.

My daughter, who is expecting her first child in June, asked me to write her something for her Baby Shower.  I thought about all the advice I could give, words of wisdom, and hopes and dreams I could write about.  But, in the end, I went with my heart.

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I could pass down words of advice, but as I consider what is worthy to be said I realize something.  You and I have nothing left unsaid.  The ties that bond us, and the authentic relationship that we share has enabled you and I to ascend the long path of mistakes and take on a new journey of love, understanding, and acceptance.  You carry with you my old journal, written from the days of your birth, filled with all the heavy burdens I once carried and the new love I had for you as a baby.  You carry with you all the wisdom you need to right a wrong, to forgive yourself, to create a new start at all costs when you’ve lost everything but refuse to give up.  You know how to be an original, to go against the grain, and to become passionate about something even if no one else thinks it a worthy cause.  You know that the world can be cold outside, but you’ve learned to paint the snow with beauty.   You’ve tested the waters, crossed your own bridges, found home again, and learned that family doesn’t mean perfection; it means faith.  Through it all I’ve held your hand, let you go, and carried you in my heart.

There are no words unspoken between us, yet the journey we have travelled speaks volumes to the testament of what you now have within you to become the mother you are meant to be.  As you raise this precious daughter I want you to remember often that one of my gravest mistakes as your mother was when I didn’t put you first.  Hold that against the strength of your forgiveness and love her, nurture her, belong to her, and raise her with the lessons that our journey together has garnered.  Let nothing go unsaid, let no stone be unturned, fight with every ounce of your being, and allow yourself room to grow.

She will love you in your honesty, in your compelling and creative heart, and she will, despite the mistakes you make as a mother know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is one of your absolute greatest accomplishments in life.  I know she will.  Because I know that’s what we have.  And it is a very good foundation to the years you have ahead.

I love you mi hieta, Amanda Blessing Good Girl.

Mom.

From Baby Shower to Graduation Party … Learning to Be a Mom

Stressed out, no sleep, tired and hormonal and if I have to tell just one more person just one more time to hand over my own baby I’m going to scream.  Yes, I want everyone to know how wonderful and amazing my newborn baby is and that I’ve just become a mother …. but all the planning in the world could NEVER have prepared me for what I really want in this exact single moment; time.  Time to stop and listen to him breathing against my chest in the dusk of evening when the house goes still and it’s just him and I.  Time to remember the nine months that I waited for him, and how completely grateful I am for his being here.  I just want everyone else to let me have these precious seconds that I’ll never get back.  The feeding, the crying, the first time I changed his diaper, the panic attack I had when he screamed when the alcohol wipe was too cold, his sleeping in my arms.  All the planning in the world could never have prepared me for this, this time I have to absorb the gift that I’ve been given.  The baby shower cake half-eaten and the decorations that I don’t remember, the stale chips left out on the counter and the faces of so many people I TRULY do care about but I’m just so tired from it all that I don’t remember …. glimmer’s of moments that pass through me into the real awareness of what it’s all for in the first place; my baby boy.  He’s so perfect.  He’s mine.  All mine.  Thank you God.

Stressed out, no sleep, tired and hormonal and if I have to tell one more person that I’m not crazy –  I’m just in graduation party planning mode I’m going to scream!  Yes, I want everyone to know how wonderful and amazing my 18 year old son is and that I’m his mother …. but all the planning in the world can NEVER have prepared me for what I really want in this exact single moment; time.  Time to stop and listen to him in all the years past in every moment that he needed me.  Time to remember the eighteen years that I took for granted in raising him, and how completely grateful I am for his being here.  I just want to have those precious moments back.  The feeding, the crying, the first steps, the first day at school, the first bike ride, the first girlfriend, the first real advice I gave … every mistake I made; unturned.  All the planning in the world could never have prepared me for this, this time I have now to absorb that the gift I’ve been given is leaving soon.  The graduation cake, the decorations, the centerpieces, the photo boards and all the people I TRULY care about but I’m just so afraid of letting go now … glimmer’s of moments that pass through me into the real awareness of what it’s all for in the first place; my son.  He’s so perfect.  He’s not just mine anymore.  I have to share him.  With the world.  Thank you God.  For the time I had.  For what lies ahead, and for the next party I’ll plan that he won’t care what color theme, what cake, or how the decorations were put up … but that he had them.  And he was the star.  And I got to be his mother in the important in-between of the candles being blown out.

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