Have you ever had one of those weeks, or days, or months when the same awful issue keeps rearing its ugly head until you finally throw up your hands and go, “Okay okay! I get it!” You know you’re supposed to be learning something from it all, and you wonder why it took so long for you to get it? I had one of those weeks. It’s not an easy share for me, and comes with a bit of humility – okay, a lot of it, but I just feel in my heart that I need someone else out there who may be going through this to know that they aren’t alone.
In the face of adversity this week I acted like an immature little brat. Not going to lie. I got my feelings hurt, several times, in several situations. Suddenly I wasn’t a thirty-something with a few life lesson’s under my belt but instead an angry, full of pity, crying mess. Logically, I knew what I was doing and how I was acting was absurd. Emotionally, I was in a whole different place.
I felt like it was coming from all angles. One after the other. Instead of rising above it to harness grace and love, I succumbed to self-doubt and feeling bad about myself. I put my value in the words and actions of others. I defined myself by what others said and did to me. And, as ridiculous as it was, I even found myself asking my own reflection, “When will you ever be good enough?”
When nothing was going my way, when I kept hitting wall after wall, I had a brief moment this morning when I tried telling myself, ‘I don’t care. I’ll just not care. Screw ’em all.’ Big tough girl act. I went from feeling bad about myself because of others actions and words to putting on the boxing gloves and getting ready to duke it out with anyone else who had the audacity to come at me. That lasted all of about ten minutes. I’m way to emotionally vulnerable to be a tough chick. I just don’t wear it well. I do care about what others are feeling and thinking, and people are important to me in all facets of my life. So, off came the boxing gloves.
I sat with my morning coffee, cell phone in hand, and thought about who to call for inspiration. A life-line to the shore of logic and reason. Then, I realized, the longer I thought about it, I already knew what I needed to know. I was acting ridiculous. It was up to me to finally, after a long week, throw my hands up and go, “OKAY! I GET IT!” It was time for me to put my irrational feelings where they belonged and deal with what was really going on.
I wasn’t operating in love. I was feeding fear and insecurity. It grew and grew. It grew so large that it wasn’t even about those people who’d said and done those things … it was about me and how I was choosing to deal with it. There were no battle’s to win, no people to challenge, no one to call to fix it, and no other way out of it than to face the truth. I’d forgotten who I was.
So, I started with forgiving myself. I was a little shaky and a little embarrassed. Finally, a smile emerged and despite my set-back I started to see that I didn’t have to beat myself up (or anyone else!) to come out of a mistake. I could change it by pouring love into it. I reminded myself that I have no idea what those people may have been dealing with themselves that would have caused them to say or do what they did, and that forgiving them as well could ultimately set me free from resentment.
I wish I could say that having learned a lesson means never having to use the lesson again. I mean, here I am in my late thirty’s and thinking that this should really never be an issue for me. I’m admitting it, however embarrassing, because if you’re someone out there whose been dealing with this as well, I guess I just want you to know you’re not alone. Don’t let other’s words or actions break you down or cause you to doubt yourself or how far you’ve come in life. Only you and God know how hard you’ve worked to become the amazing, loving, and valued person you are. No one can take that away. Refuse to get trapped in it by throwing love right back at it. Instead of allowing others to change your life in a negative way …. change their’s instead by offering your most authentic and loving self in return.
You matter. In all things you have a purpose. We are not called to be bullied or intimidated, and certainly there is a time to walk away or remove people in our lives that are unhealthy. However, in our day to day lives there are countless opportunities to stand firm in our faith and who we are in it, and to react to others in love with the knowledge and wisdom that we ARE already good enough. Believe in yourself. And in moments of doubt or, in my case a week’s worth, don’t fight back to other people – fight the lie within yourself that your measure of worth is based on other people. It’s not.
You are beautiful. You are loved. You ARE worthy.