For the last week, I checked in to a placed called The Give Up Hotel. The service as you can imagine sucks, the air in the room is stale and it hasn’t been redecorated in decades. There is no such thing as room service – everything that happens here you take care of yourself. You choose to check in and you choose when to check out.
I’m not depressed for those wondering. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of holding it all together. I want to throw a tantrum that would make any three year old jealous as I stomp my feet into the floor for attention.
So here I sit. I checked in to this place to sulk, maybe find some clarity, and hoping that something in the outside world – my world – would change for the better by the time I chose to check out. Guess what? It has been a week and nothing has changed. I don’t know if I’m more frustrated with my circumstances or the fact that I removed myself and checked in to this lousy escape.
A week of poor sleep on this squeaky, no support bed; cutting myself off from others; looking for answers in mind numbing activities so I didn’t have to deal. That’s right. The woman who has the encouraging and challenging words for everyone else just told you she buried her emotions and ideas for a week in order to be numb to the world around her. Not healthy, I’ll be the first to admit. And, certainly not a solution.
Life sucks and it is never fair. Sometimes there are not answers staring you back in the face the second you ask a question. Sometimes you have to make choices that don’t excite you. Sometimes the wait is hard and the emotions in those moments are devastating. Sometimes you feel like a zombie who hasn’t slept in months and all you want is a break. A breather. A reprieve. Or, even a brand new life far, far away from anyone who knows you.
Life is hard and full of things that infuriate us. But, at least we are alive. At least we feel. Because with every struggle we grow, we stretch, we learn, we move forward, we fight. We have the choice to engage with our moments. We have a choice to not be stuck.
So as I walk back out through the door towards my reality, past the broken ice machine and the barely functional sign flashing “Vacancy”, I can’t tell you that I’m done with this attitude of mine. But, I can say that I’m making a choice to engage it, deal with it and win. I am a fighter. I don’t give up.
“Here I go again on my own. Walking down the only road I’ve ever known….” is piping through my mental speaker as I trudge back towards my path to complete this journey. Truth? We are never alone. Sometimes it looks like it when we glance around the landscape of our path but we are not. Focus on the horizon and press forward. Stumble and dust yourself off. Join with fellow travelers and guides on the road of Life. Stay true to who you are and live life fully along the way.
COMMENT FROM READER:
Kris Buringrud Johnson You, lovey lady, are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing, laying it out in the open, being authentic, transparent and vulnerable…everything that you are teaching us to do. I was raised to set the example for others (Easier said than done). This post, is setting the example for the rest of us. It is easy to verbalize celebrations, but lets not be afraid to admit when we are scared, frustrated, stuck, lonely, angry…there is absolutely nothing wrong with those feelings, they are natural, normal, and dare I say it…healthy. But, what isn’t right, is staying in them for too long, we must move forward, just as you are doing, and the best way to move forward is to be brave enough to ask for help or to find help. The first step for many who are scared, unsure, frozen, is simply to join a group and sit back and listen/watch/read the conversations regarding the experiences of others and how they overcame their obstacles, their mountains. Even though someone might not be actively joining the conversation, doesn’t mean that they are not reaping the rewards of the conversation. Slowly but surely those who are absorbing will reach out themselves, will begin to ask for help, advice, they will contribute their stories, their failings and their successes. So I am right there with you let’s start authentic conversations about when we want to throw in the towel….anybody with me?